Silence, Soundless, Still. Creaking open the door seeing it. Glaring back lay the shadow of intimidation of the pedagogue. Waiting in that line for what seemed decades witnessing all the crushed dreams with the denial that came out of the spine chilling office. Sitting down upon the hide chair beginning to exchange words with Coach Ed the tension was rising. This was It a whole life leading up to this moment. Ricocheting around the room was light reflecting off all the awards, the prestigiousness of this college program was immeasurable and was overpowering every movement. All this pressure to succeed makes the body still, unable to move. Frozen.
Listen, The creaking of the door slowly emerges back, Hurrying in the assistant bursts into the meeting and asks the coach to leave. Alone. left with deadly thoughts. The struggle to achieve even a chance, having to overcome the race put-downs to achieve a chance at this extensive-stage was overpowering my every though. Put-downs and setbacks flood imagination. The early morning sun is now at full beam, Blasting through the windows it hard to ignore its presence, the ever coming and everlasting demon of failure starts to engulf victims.
Feet rummaging outside the hollow door. Chatter starting to echo over the empty building. The longer this burden body is left in this room the more imperfections begin to flood in, this place is not safe for any soul. Darkness being let in through the pressured gates of stress. walking down this cobbly path I’m struggling to find the light at the end. being told it’s unrealistic and I’m unprepared, feeling lost in my mind I sit on the path of confusion as time still has to pass and soon my desition will be too late as those who wait for there future to happen reality catches up and violently shocks them.
Look, as the sun rises behind the immense building the glimmers of hope start to burst through the grey overcast clouds, filled up with shadows these clouds all sources of hope as it engulfs the sun back into its deep slumber. The halls of such buildings filled with shelves overflowing with success stories and trophies. Still standing outside the building you are mesmerized as you see nothing but overachievers and exemplar people staring at your presence.
And still, you stand, still, stunned. Mesmerized. At the utter beauty from the towering building. Frozen you stand as you wander deep in your thoughts, Empty as you wonder why am I the left one out, excluded from the group of a perfectionist. you’re here now, no turning back. The life full of anticipating this very day. yours done now. you have lived through it. your first college offer
Oliver Haines
hi my name is Oliver Gaines hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi the the the hi hi hi hi hi hi Akihito ih I i I I I I I i I i I i I the the the the the
Hi Oliver,
Feedback:
– adhere to the task’s specifics. First person pronouns are not allowed in the piece. Revisit the task’s specifics – second person pronouns used in the final paragraph
– watch capitalisation
– make sure it is a scene description and not a narrative. Again, revisit the task to support your understandings.
Talk to me for further clarification, Oliver
Keep developing the sense of place, Oliver. Ensure you adhere to the task’s specifics and present a scene, rather than a narrative. Also make sure that prejudice is evident in the scene.
Continue to use August 12th’s feedback as you go too.